Well, it took longer than I thought for me to stop updating this regularly, but, alas, it appears I have finally succumbed to the business that is “real life.” In between studying, working on projects and grudging through papers, I managed to escape home for President’s weekend, progress towards study abroad decisions and start my internship. I was going to write while at home, but….yeah. Whoops.
So. Home. Do many college students who study away from home feel really weird when visiting for a weekend or during breaks? I’m not sure how to describe it. But I shall try.
“It just doesn’t feel like I’m a part of your life, I feel like I’m on vacation.”–Jacob, Like Crazy
This quote from that
disappointing movie, said by Jacob while visiting his girlfriend who’s been deported to England, resonates with me. At first, before I leave and for the first few hours/days I’m home, there’s this sense of excitement and relief. “Phew. This is much better. Being home is sooo wonderful. School is ruining me!” This feeling of having “escaped” school and, consequently, “real life” is great. I quickly fall back into old routines of how things were before I left. The refrigerator is stocked with everything that I love, my room is virtually how I left it (except for my closet filled with my mother’s clothes. Thanks.), and my dog is as cute as ever <3. I even get to sometimes visit friends who live at home, and it’s literally as if I had never left. As if weeks or months hasn’t separated us at all.
These feelings of relief tend to diminish towards the half-way point of me being home and before going back to school. “Wait. This isn’t real. I don’t live here anymore. What am I doing? This is no longer my life. Am I happy about that?” This is about when the panicking starts to make its way to the surface. The impermanence of the situation begins to consume me. I begin an mental countdown to the day that I leave again, preventing me from really enjoying myself in the present. All I think about is how the comfort of being at home is never going to last for a long period of time ever again. Then comes the thoughts of “Well, you wanted this. You wanted out. You NEEDED to get out of here, to go off on your own.” I become increasingly irritable, separating myself even more than I already am from my family. By the time I’m boarding the train back to DC I’m almost relieved. “Why did I even want to go home in the first place? Those people are out of their minds.” Then, about one month later, I’m back at home repeating this clearly healthy cycle.
As much as I want to be on my own, to break from the convenience of home and the easiness of familiarity, maybe I’m not fully ready for a complete break. Which scares me. There are a lot of personal reasons for why I left, reasons that are validated each time I return for a visit, yet I’m still not able to be completely happy while away. Which makes me think that maybe I’m just not going to be happy wherever I’m living.
So. Back to school. I just started my internship with USAID today, and I can see already that this is going to consume my semester. I’m not really complaining, since this is what I wanted, what I planned for. I really need to not screw this up, since this is the place I may end up deciding I want to work for, I don’t know, the rest of my life. But, again, confidence will probably never be something I possess. So, no pressure. The great thing about this is, outside the valuable experience, I will have virtually zero time for anything else besides this and schoolwork. Naturally I get excited when I have excuses for not doing anything fun or having any kind of social life. I’m hoping this will help me think less about certain things and certain people, and allow me to focus and prioritize. I barely have time to study now, let alone
Facebook stalk relax. Plus, I gotta start my study abroad applications to Ghana and Uganda. My parents are not pleased. Whateves.
So, hopefully I’ll be able to maintain a somewhat frequent schedule on here. I’ve also decided to include songs at the end of all my posts from now on, just songs that I love at the moment or are relevant. I’ve had “Rainbow Connection” stuck in my head for pretty much months now, and with the Dixie Chicks covering it, there’s no way for me to not love it. I’m really obsessed with these lyrics. I also recommend Jason Mraz’s version!